{not so} random ramblings

"im not about to stick my grave with an apron and a bucket of plans..."

2011-10-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

i used to use this blogspot for my angsty teenage rants all the time
im still 19
so i can still do that, right?

its a complete fucking maelstrom in my mind.
my body isn't mine. it's merely a vessel
but my mind is mine. when i lose that, what do i have left?
nothing.
today i was walking between classes and one word kept popping up in my head
it was like a mantra for which i didn't ask
flickering
flickering
flickering
and then all of a sudden it clicked
this summer, one of the guys in the lab i was working in was researching tipping points
and signs that one can recognize in order to anticipate / mitigate the approach of a tipping point
and one of the signs is flickering
when a system flickers between two states of equilibrium before completely shifting from the first to the other
another one is critical slowing down
but i'll get to that later
flickering
thats what i'm doing
i used to be able to control when i was off and on
now it's so hard
its too hard
everything is way harder, actually
but especially that
i have to be the person that i've carefully crafted while sifting through the remnants of my personality
i don't know if i can do that anymore
im not a person anymore
im not anyone
im broken
im not sure where i am
theres this disconnect between parts of my mind
thats another place where the flickering comes in
sometimes, i can make the connections that i'm supposed to
but most of the time, i can't
i'll have a conversation and forget entirely who i was speaking to later, when i try to remember the conversation
i'll see people around campus and i can't tell from which life of mine i recognize them
i'll think i recognize them from home or somewhere else,
but then i'm like, wait, what would THEY be doing here?
so then i know im mistaken
but what do i do when i cant tell if im mistaken anymore?
critical slowing down
thats what my body is doing
i can feel it giving
today, i could barely lift my booksack
im not a machine
im not a machine
im slowing down critically
today i ended up in my friend's room after "lunch" (a handful of cucumber slices and a couple spoonfuls of soup doesnt really count as lunch, does it?) and i completely passed out because i couldnt carry myself back to my room
im scared.
but im aware of this
so if i can recognize these warning signals, i can stop myself from reaching the tipping point, right?
i can stop the shifting equilibriums
i can get myself back.

{{"springfield, or bobby got a shadfly caught in his hair" - sufjan stevens}}

2011-05-13T13:55:00.001-07:00

I love my birthday.
finals? Not so much.
cant wait to go home
next year, im going to start all over
and it will be awesome.

it hurts

2011-04-10T15:36:00.001-07:00

everywhere.

"man oh man you're my best friend, i scream it to the nothingness..."

2011-03-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

butterflies

{{"home" - edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros}}

huh.

2011-01-06T14:55:00.000-08:00

my head hurts
i feel sick
im kind of scared of who i am instinctually

"that midterm last night was hella crazy, i hope i aced it..."

2010-09-14T07:02:00.000-07:00

the last couple of weeks have kind of been a blur
we left on august 31 and drove drove drove all the way to new jersey, finally arriving to princeton on sept 2 in the morning
along the way, my sister threw up, my dad got in a fight with a trucker, and we had a bob marley sing along in the car
*sigh* there's nothing like a balachandran family road trip
we had so much stuff in the car we had to go to the hotel to unload the car so that we could go shopping
after buying buying buying everything i could POSSIBLY need
we moved in on friday
and i left for community action on saturday

community action was possibly one of the best weeks of my life
it was both the shortest and longest week of my life as well
i made some really good friends
i met some really interesting people
i played with some really cute kids
and i made a difference, which was the best part about the week

on my first day of college (saturday), i met 14 strangers who would become some of my best friends on campus
on the second day of college (sunday), i went to the JERSEY SHORE! hells yeah
guido hunting is where its at.
on tuesday, we had a backpack giveaway (apparently people from everywhere but louisiana call it backpacks instead of booksacks) and i got to do facepainting
on thursday, we had a carnival for kids in the community (many of them were the ones who had also come to the backpack giveaway)
and all week long we cleaned the church, took inventory, organized, etc etc
i know that probably doesnt sound like that much fun
but the people i was with really made it the best week ever

(i know this is super old, but i'll post about orientation week / first week of classes soon too!)

{{"i love princeton" - asher roth parody}}

"i'm gonna give you all my luck; i'm gonna hang around and watch when you get shot in the flames..."

2010-08-14T20:32:00.001-07:00

i had never believed in the unluck of friday the thirteenth before
i even thought it was my lucky day
i mean, my thirteenth birthday was on friday, may 13.
13 has always been my favorite number.
until yesterday

it's like 9 am, im driving in my neighborhood,
i see a flash of some sort of animal in front of me
probably a cat (i am quite resentful towards all cats at the moment)
and i swerveeeee to get out of its way
and the next thing i know, im halfway down the street
and this mailbox way behind me is dangling precariously
and i KNOW my car cannot be okay

i pull over and check the side of the car
at first i look at the sideview mirror, and im like okay its not too bad
and then i see the passenger side front panel in between the door and the bumper
and im like, oh shit...
this HUGE gash has been gouged into it.
fml, right?

so i go to check out the mailbox
and the post has been completely split down either side
and the mailbox is just dangling there
and then upon closer inspection
i notice that like, a whole freaking role of duct tape had been wrapped around the post
wait a minute
THATS RIGHT
the mailbox was ALREADY BROKEN
out of ALL the mailboxes in my neighborhood
i hit the one that was already broken.

and if that wasn't enough
im making lunch
i really wanted some pasta
i had made my nice linguine noodles al dente
and i HATE using a colander because thats just more pots to wash
so i use the lid to drain it
and lo and behold
i turn it upside down, the lid slips
and the entire batch of pasta falls down the drain
not just into the sink and collects
but down the freaking drain into the garbage disposal.
i garbage disposed and i garbage disposed
and i couldnt get it all
but then i had to leave
because it was 11:45 and the movie i was supposed to be at started at like, noon.

so my dad gets home
he sees the gash
he wont even talk to me
i get the silent treatment all evening
and then im lying in bed, shaking
because i KNOW something is going to happen
i just dont know what, i just dont know when
i hear the garbage disposal
and i know
he has found out
and its over with
completely over with

{{"get lucky" - new young pony club}}

"save up all the days, a routine malaise..."

2010-07-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

33 more days in baton rouge
i am spending as much time as i can with my bffs
it is muchos funos
curb your enthusiasm is funny
i never liked seinfeld
but i have to admit, larry david is hilarious!

despicable me was the best movie i've ever seen
i think its the only movie i've ever seen twice in theatres
EVER
i took my mommy on a date to see it a week after i saw it for the first time
it was the best date ever
we went to ihop for breakfast
then we watched the movie
then we went to the mall
she was like, hey do you want to go to banana republic? there's a sale!
and i was like, ehhh i dont feel like shopping
but oh ho ho was i wrong
i bough 19 items of clothing
for like $150 total
i got sweaters and pants and a skirt and tank tops
but like, sweaters galore!
i am so pleased with my purchases
i am ready to face those evil new jersey winters
no not really im lying
but i feel a little better prepared?
now about snow boots...

knitting is fun
i am determined to finish my scarf this summer
but i need to get on ittt

{{"two weeks" - grizzly bear}}

"it's a world of hopes and a world of fears..."

2010-07-10T14:17:00.000-07:00

i had the weirdest dream last night
i was on my little boaty floating through the its a small world ride in disney world
and all of a sudden
the lights go out
and i hear this maniacal laughter
and the song suddenly switches into this minor key
and the boaty is floating around the ride over and over and over again
and its so dark and scary
and the little dolls keep singing in the creepy key
and it was awful awful awful.

today i had an eye exam
yay for my prescription not changing!
my eyes have stagnated at their current level of badness
woo hooooo

i also bought two extremely EXTREMELY comfortable pillows today
i went to like every pillow in the store
put it on the model bed they had
and put my head on it to see how firm/soft it was
i finally found the right pillow
phew!
i bought two!
=)

i hate when it rains
i never feel like doing anything

im going to see despicable me today
im so excited!
excited excited excited!

{{"it's a small world"}}

"i am under no disguise, i am under no disguise..."

2010-07-04T19:28:00.001-07:00

two more months
two more months
two more months
can't come fast enough

i made this really sad mix cd the other day
like REALLY SAD
like every song is capable of bringing tears to your eyes
together, it's just a bundle of sadness
i think it was just my response to the radio always playing "california girls"
theres only so much katy perry someone can take before going insane
and it is very little so much

today somebody asked me what i want to do when i grow up
and i gave them my generic prepared response
"i want to earn an md/phd and research neurodegenerative diseases"
but i dont even know if thats what i want to do anymore
i dont know what i want to do
but i feel like thats not it.

what if i've already peaked?
and i havent even reached college yet...
that is not a pleasant thought

{["iamundernodisguise" - school of seven bells}}

"i was dressed in embarrassment, i was dressed in white..."

2010-07-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

so my friends have been trying to get me to go to pottery works for the longest time
i had been putting it off for months
who wants to go to POTTERY WORKS?
and paint a freaking pot?!
well we went on wednesday
and it was the most fun i had had in a really long time.
my bowl design may have been good in theory
but execution was a little lacking
hahahahaha
but it was still really really fun.
{mines the one farthest to the left}

i think i would benefit from buying an ice shaver
i crave snowballs often
especially at times when i can't find a snowball stand or they are all closed
=(

im going to go see avatar today. the REAL avatar
thanks to james cameron i have to specify that i mean the airbender one
and not the crazy blue people
in some sort of futuristic pocahontas movie.

{{"for the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in ypsilanti" - sufjan stevens}}

"my thoughts were so loud, i couldn't hear my mouth..."

2010-06-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

the other day when my mom and i were driving home
my thoughts were racing
they were pounding against my head
begging to be let out
i felt like they were screaming at me
and i was shocked that my mom couldn't hear them
i mean, she was sitting right next to me
and they were just ringing in my ears
i was like, there is NO WAY that she can't hear this
thoughts are a funny thing

i want yann tiersen to write the soundtrack to my life
i listen to the amelie soundtrack all the time now
i mean, i used to listen to it somewhat often
but now i just want it to be there all the time

curb your enthusiasm is funny
i really like that show
since i appear to be such a huge fan of larry david, i suppose i should give seinfeld another chance

today i went to the dentist
and i had taken my little pocket sized walden with me
i really like the way thoreau writes.
im reading like 5 books at once
and i cant do any of them justice
but i want to read them all
right now!

go tell it on the mountain - james baldwin
life of pi - yann martel
the invisible pyramid - loren eiseley
walden - henry david thoreau
the glass bead game - herman hesse
all great great books. i promise

i like going to the gym
i just wish i felt like i was losing weight or getting stronger or healthier or something.

finding the right purse is really hard
and sometimes you just have to settle
especially if you know exactly what you want
i wanted the perfect black purse
big enough for me to fit like, a book or two, an umbrella, a water bottle, etc
zip closure (so all my stuff doesnt fall out)
single strap (one of them inevitably falls off if its a double strap)
preferably a floppyish strap so it molds to my shoulder
another long strap so i can wear it like a crossbody so my arms are free
no rhinestones or excessive studs or zippers
is that too much to ask for?

{{"the world at large" - modest mouse}}

"thirty notes in the mailbox will tell you that im coming home..."

2010-06-20T14:09:00.000-07:00

so my mom told me that my aunt demolished her old house and the guest house right next door to it.
and i immediately asked her what happened to the tiger's head that was hanging above the staircase, and she said they gave it to my cousin's mother in law
that saddened me.
i don't know why, but i had been coveting that tiger's head since i was little
probably because every time i walked by it, from the age of five, my mom told me that i was a tiger in my previous incarnation
so i guess i just identified with the tiger
and then i started thinking about the rest of their house
and how we used to sit on these stools made out of elephant's feet.
every time i sat on it, i would think about those feet roaming around some lush jungle
obliterating every little thing it came upon
and there was an ashtray atop a severed elephant's trunk.
and in the guest house, there was a whole stuffed like, panther or mountain lion, or some other fierce looking cat
it was frightening at night
but it looked so majestic.
the eyes weren't original though, of course
i think they were glass
but they seemed to be gazing right behind you, but never at you.

{["dead leaves and the dirty ground" - the white stripes, but chris thile has an AWESOME cover here}}

"ha ha ha, bless your soul. you really think you're in control?"

2010-06-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

im blogging from my macbook pro
i would love itttt
if it wasnt taking so freaking long to convert all my wma music to mp3s
thats what i get for using a zune and then switching to mac
mannnn i wish zune software was mac compatible
it would be so BA
*sigh*

today i spent like the whole freaking day with my big brother chase
he helped be become more fluent in mac
i am still rather useless at it, but i suppose i'll get better

i like my jobs
i like them a lot lot lot
my lsu job is the besttt
i essentially get paid to knit and read harry potter
i guess once my speck case comes in i can take my macbook to work and continue converting all my music
because it will take me FOREVER to do it
anyways
my jobs are super cool
i get to work with little kids
kids are adorable
and i find it fascinating to see how their brains work
its amazingggg

im getting my crap together
and then i am so out of here it is not funny

going to the samaj tomorrow
its weird; i havent gone there since like my freshman year
and that was just for garba, i didnt even stay for aarti or anything
i really need to become more religious
i feel like i'd be a disappointment to my grandparents if i didnt
i mean, all my ancestors are PRIESTS so i guess i should do my part

{{"crazy" - gnarls barkley}}

"i'm just a soul whose intentions are good. oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood..."

2010-06-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

my dad bought me a new camera today.
i bought a bunch of sleepy pants yesterday (and a cardigan, some t-shirts, some lotion, a skirt, etc etc)
my dad bought me a new alarm clock yesterday
im accumulating all my collegey things and its making me feel weird

start new job tomorrow
oh god im so freaking nervous. i really hope i do a good job.
i wish i didnt get so flustered talking to people i dont know

i am really liking my animals cd.
it is VERY bluesy
i need to stop buying clothes. like right freaking now.
i am ashamed at the amount of clothes i have bought in the recent past.
simply ashamed.
but i like them, what can i do?
i especially love my new chucks. love love love them.

i want to be in princeton now.

{{"don't let me be misunderstood" - the animals. this is the link to the original nina simone version}}

"drunk girls know that love is an astronaut..."

2010-06-09T21:17:00.001-07:00

my wifi is back. thank goddddd. im so ashamed of how dependent i am on my wireless network. i felt so chained to the ethernet cable.

i can't wait for my macbook to come. i need to get an adapter for my guitar cable so i can fully take advantage of all the eargasmic glory garageband has to offer

i've been watching dawson's creek. LORD HAVE MERCY its true i dont have anything better to do with my time. well i probably do; i just dont feel like cleaning or doing laundry either. anyways, it's like secret life of the american teenager, but super 90's.

i went to the doctors today, to get my immunization paperwork filled out. i was there for like 2 hours. i was THIS close to falling asleep on the lofted benchy thing they have in the doctors offices.

my phone randomly stopped working. it wouldn't send or receive calls or text messages. it made me feel really unsafe, like if someone tried to kill me i would have to use the *gasp* LAND LINE to call for help, but he could just pick up the phone somewhere else in the house and hear what i was saying. i think my dad used to eavesdrop on my calls when i used the house phone, in like middle school. i feel like he would. his recon would be impressive if it wasn't so disconcerting.

for example, the other day he was like, hey we havent seen your friend hannah in a while. and i was like, what are you talking about? she came over today! and he was like, AH I KNEW IT because there were too many dishes in the dishwasher for one person, (especially spoons) and an apple juice box had been consumed, and apparently i am not known for drinking apple juice boxes. which was interesting, because i actually WAS the one who had consumed the apple juice. anyway, the way his mind works never ceases to astound me.

i don't like posting in paragraph form.
my thoughts don't flow in paragraph form
at all...

{{"drunk girls" - lcd soundsystem}}

"oh when, oh when will the spirit come a-callin' for my soul to send?"

2010-06-07T18:56:00.000-07:00

best friends for 16 years.
sarah is pretty much the most hilarious person everrr.
i love impromptu road trips

my sister leaves for jordan tomorrow
i am so freaking jealous
i want to get out of here

ordering my macbook pro tomorrow
hells yeahhhh
i still have so much more matriculation paperwork to fill out
it is quite overwhelming
but i am so pumpedddd

i feel really vulnerable when people drunk call me at 4 in the morning

its weird when you go from talking to someone every day to not seeing them at all
and MAYBE exchanging like one text message
i'd rather wean myself off a friendship than to simply quit cold turkey,
douchecake

this song is very bob dylan. i like it a lot.
i just like blitzen trapper a lot in general, i think.

{{"black river killer" - blitzen trapper}}

"it kind of makes you want to cry that a moth is not a butterfly..."

2010-05-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

my watches are driving me INSANE
make them stop make them stop

so today i played a catholic wedding
with an indian priest
idk why
but it took me a while to wrap my head around it

my contacts are going out of focus
i need to take them out
but its so much effort
but if i leave them in it will be gross gross gross tomorrow morning
when i have to peel them off my eyeballs.
see, didnt that sound gross?

today my friends amber and layne interviewed me for a documentary about recycling
and i was ashamed at how little i knew about it
apparently in baton rouge none of the glass we put in recycling actually gets recycled
because we dont separate it
and its gets broken
so they just use it as road filler.
but if we did it right
they could recycle glass again and again and again and again etc
what a shame
and i didnt even know what single stream recycling was
oh lord have mercy dont tell college board
they'll revoke the 5 i got on my environmental science ap exam last year

trevor collins and alex efferson are my brain twins and soul mates
it is so true.
so so so so true.

i like reading

i dont know what to do with my diploma
do i shove it in the back of the closet/drawer never to be seen again?
do i display it proudly on my wall like a douche?
do i let it continue to assimilate into the swirling vortex of chaos on top of my bean bag?
yes yes and yes

i like my hair
i dont think i could cut it short without crying
for reals for reals
i had never curled my hair before graduation
but it was quite fun
i do believe i shall do it again

i need to sleep more
i go to bed at like 1 or 2
and i wake up at 6 or 7
its freaking summer time
im not even working yet
wtffff

tick tick tock tock tick tick tock tock
my watches mock me mock me mock me
like the priest today
lord have mercy
mass was about conjugal love
the universe is mocking my life
i know it is. i KNOW it is.
thanks a lot, universe. you got me good
now please please PLEASE go mess with someone else
and give me a break
if these things happened to somebody else i wouldnt even believe that they happened
so freaking bizarre.
bizarre
bizarre
bizarre

{{"a moth is not a butterfly" - hawksley workman}}

"you are green, you are red, you are yurple, you are blue..."

2010-05-26T15:12:00.000-07:00

i tried tried tried
i really did
i guess there really isnt anything else i can do

i want to get the hell out of here
i hate it here so much
what am i doing with my life?
WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

my heart hurts
my head hurts
my stomach hurts
my brain hurts

people are unreasonable
theres no use arguing

{{"the other woman" - devendra banhart}}

"nice fox don't temp the old owl in the tree, and it dont mean nothing at all..."

2010-05-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

there is nothing more comforting
than curling up in fetal position with your favorite stuffed animal and guitar
and listening to {insert band here} (for me it's the rosebuds + mason proper)
until the tears on your cheeks have dried
and sleep takes over

i want my best friend back

{{"nice fox" - the rosebuds}}

"im feeling rough, i'm feeling raw, i'm in the prime of my life..."

2010-05-24T08:29:00.000-07:00

lost series finale
WHAT THE HELL???
already dead people cant talk to each other and re kill each other and have dead people parties
they can't perform surgeries on other already dead people
or give ultrasounds to already dead couples
who are pregnant with already dead babies
they can't help very pregnant already dead people give birth to already dead babies
they can't perform a concert for an audience containing a couple already dead people
THEY'RE ALREADY DEAD

i have realized that the universe is doing everything in its power to mess with me
my sister bought me a watch for a happy birthday/happy graduation gift
its a lovely watch
i already had a watch
swatches are the LOUDEST watches known to man
and my two watches are not synchronized
one drives me crazy by itself
both of them will ultimately cause me to snap
i can feel it coming.

speaking of feeling things coming
wtf happened yesterday?

{{"time to pretend" - mgmt}}

"sweet dreams are made of this. who am i to disagree?"

2010-05-19T21:20:00.001-07:00

i graduated yesterday.
this picture expresses how happy i feel more than anything i could possibly say
the photographer happens to be one of my best friends in the whole entire world
he's my hero
i love you, chase

{{"sweet dreams (are made of this)" - eurythmics}}

"did i stutter? the heart flooder..."

2010-05-14T11:35:00.000-07:00

yesterday was the best birthday of my life
i love being 18
i love my friends
i wrote a BA speech for graduation
i love my life.

{{"danger" - mystikal}}

"well daft punk is playing at my house; i've waited 7 years and 15 days..."

2010-05-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

I AM FREE
yes indeedy (call me greedy, go upstairs to feed the needy)
i am so relieved.
physics final this morning
its over thank god
iron man 2 was baller
i want to have robert downey jr's babies
who else could possibly look so handsome and BA while inventing a new element?
*swoon* ohhh tony stark, marry me
my birthday is in 2 days.
hells. yeah.
i get to see my bff chase tomorrow.
i havent seen him since like, christmas break
but i know it wont feel like any time has passed when we see each other
which is why i love love love him times infinity
best big brother ever.
i have a good book to read
i think i might hit that up later tonight
oh lord.
so much free time
{and so much to do, i just dont feel like doing it}
i need to take a break
and now the break has arrived
it feels so damn good.
my life is legitimately falling into place
and i love it.
i am not your rolling wheeeeeels. i am the highwayyyy
chris cornell is an awesome dude as well.
cleaning out my booksack
throwing all that paper in the recycling bin
is so cathartic
it really is.
i need to stop spending money
like asapppp
gold lion is going to tell me where the light is
today i was at my friend pierres house
and he and jacob were playing modern warfare 2
and then i saw iron man 2
and in it, there was scene that quite reminded me of them playing mw2
but it was robert downey jr and don cheadle in real (movie) life and not a video game
i like gnarls barkley a lot a lot a lot
i want to watch the sandlot.
i think i might do that tomorrow.
that is a good movie. a good good movie.
yes indeed that is what i will do
and tonight i will begin reading the glass bead game
oh herman hesse, your way with words never ceases to astound me

{{"daft punk is playing at my house" - lcd soundsystem}}

"we dont need no education, we dont need no thought control..."

2010-05-10T17:08:00.000-07:00

my physics final is in about 12 hours.
i want it to be over now.
i cant take it anymore
i havent studied
i havent been able to bring myself to study
i am burned out.
but i did get a job, its quite nice
indoors
thank goodness
and my birthday is in 3 days.
i love my birthday
its my favorite day of the year
i'll finally be 18!
FINALLY.
after tomorrow morning, i am going to get my summer on
this is going to be the best. summer. ever.
(i had a sneak peak of summer on friday/saturday.
i loved it)

im so glad im done with high school
i cannot believe that they would make that list
well i can believe it, thats the sad part
and i guess im glad the nicest thing they said about anyone was what they said about me
but it was still completely unnecessary.

my friends have all decided to ignore me until my physics final is over
i find it hilarious that they are looking out for my grades more than i am
i love them
i cant believe shagun, hannah, and emily actually came to my recital on friday
my last recital ever
i love them for that.
they are the three best friends that anyone could have, they are the three best friends that anyone could have...
=)

i need to write my speech for graduation.
i have no idea what to say

{{"another brick in the wall, pt 2" - pink floyd}}

"darling it is no joke, this is lycanthropy,,,"

2010-04-30T14:56:00.000-07:00

why is this song so catchy?

senior breakfast was today
its events like these that remind me that i won't miss mckinley
its events like these that remind me that i don't truly fit in

it makes me feel weird when people treat me differently because i'm
*gasp* "devika"
and i feel bad because i take often take advantage of it at school
but its just so easy.

i have a really bad temper
and when im by myself
i can't hold it in
and i turn into some sort of bruce banner-esque hulk
and make a mess of things in my room
i throw things
i break things
and i cry.
its not pleasant

{{"she wolf" - shakira}}

"you're in the jungle and the monkeys take your mind from your home..."

2010-04-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

that's exactly how i feel about mckinley
*sigh* mckinley
one more week
after 4 years it feels weird.
it seems to have gone by quite quickly
but when it was happening it took
forever
{zoom in}
Foh ev uh
{zoom in once more}
FOH EV UH
i love the sandlot.

i have to make new friends at college
im not good at that sort of thing
i just dont have the balls to talk to people first
once they break the ice, im less awkward.

i keep buying clothes
somebody stop me!
and shoes
i bought shoes yesterday
how stereotypically female of me
speaking of stereotypically female,
i cried today
because i got overwhelmed by my physics class
but i hid it with my gangster tiger stripe sunglasses.

i like playing the viola
its much more forgiving than the violin
i like johnossi
they are fun to listen to

i need to get my graduation invitations straightened out
oh god. there's so much to do

{{"man must dance" - johnossi}}

"and the river got frozen, and the home got snowed in, and the yellow moon glowed bright until the morning light..."

2010-04-20T16:34:00.000-07:00

i cannot wait til the fall

i visited princeton last week.
oh dear god
it's beautiful.
the first night i got there (wednesday)
i meditated with two jewish people, a buddhist, and a catholic
after we meditated, we had an incredibly fun argument about transubstantiation
then i went to an eating club
{{food at princeton is freaking delicious. everywhere}}
and bhagvad gita study
went to one of my sister's financial engineering precepts
optimization or integer programming or something
i was just making things up
about the objective functions, constraints, etc.
and i ended up sounding more knowledgeable than half the students in the class...
i taught one of my sister's friends how to play guitar
he took me on a tour of campus late at night
its still freaking gorgeous in the dark.

on thursday
i took an official campus tour (not as exciting as the one from the night before but still amazing)
ate one of the best grilled cheese sandwiches ever
went to a molecular evolutionary genetics class
discussed PCR with a professor whose mentor when she was in college went on to become a nobel laureate
listened to dean rapeleye and provost eisgruber speak
ate an early dinner
went to the vegetarian co-op
met some awesome people
perused the latest episode of cosmo with them
ate some of the most delicious vegan molasses gingerbread cookies in the world
went to a south asian comedy troupe's play with my friend emma from minnesota who also like flight of the conchords!
went to a dance showcase
went to a surprise birthday party for one of my sister's friends
wandered around campus for an hour
wandered back into the room at about 1

on friday
i woke up
went to a comparative physiology class
they had a guest speaker
he lectured about immunology.
it was really interesting!
got lunch with my new friend tanner
he's a water polo player from LA
tried to find a pugil stick tournament
ended up taking a nap
did some physics homework
went to shabbat dinner
at the chabad house
it was so much fun! a big happy jewish family!
i loved everyone there.
we sang songs and ate food and teased each other and had an arm raising contest

on saturday
my sister and i hit up nyc
saw phantom of the opera on broadway
oh. my. god.
it was simply magical.
dinner and shopping in the city

i came home on sunday
=(
i didnt want to leave
i just can't wait to go back

im going to disney world this weekend
my uncle is flying here from india
{stupid volcano
he had to reroute their trip over the pacific}
but he's coming! i havent seen him and my aunt and cousin in like 4 years.
and we're going to freaking disney world.

i. love. my. life.

{{"blue ridge mountains" - fleet foxes}}

"and you sit all alone, with your thoughts, getting stoned, just waiting for some peace to come..."

2010-04-11T19:40:00.000-07:00

so the other day
my sister was in this amnesty international protest to tear down the israeli west bank barrier
and someone tagged her in pictures of this protest on facebook
and both of my parents totally freaked out.
my dad freaked out because he felt like my sister was being too politically active and it would end up being dangerous some day.
my mother freaked out because she was wearing a halter top and you could see her rather large tattoo on her back...
*sigh*

i need for the next five months to go by quickly.
like super quickly.
warp speed.
actually, if they go by as quickly as the last five months did, it'll be great.

being vegetarian is hard work.

so is doing my physics homework.
i wish i showed up to my lectures more often
at least i've discovered the strong correlation between attending class and doing well on the homework

today was my last lamao board meeting.
it felt weird
because i went to those meetings regularly for two years
we were like a family

speaking of family
i get to see my uncle, aunt, and cousin next week
in disney freaking world.
i feel weird because i don't really know my cousin very well at all.
i mean, i see the pictures that my uncle emails us every now and then
but that hardly counts for anything
i know so many people
and i dont even know my own family members that well.
weird.

i spent way too much money yesterday shopping
why oh why do i like banana republic so much?

going to see phantom of the opera on broadway on saturday
best. musical. ever.
andrew lloyd weber is my hero

{{"map of the world" - monsters of folk}}

"you've applied the pressure to have me crystallized and you've got the faith that i could bring paradise..."

2010-04-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

this very ominous poster was hanging everywhere in the halls at school yesterday.
at first i thought
"FIVE DAYS UNTIL GRADUATION? HELL YES!"
and then i realized graduation is over a month away
so the next thought that popped into my head was:
"FIVE DAYS UNTIL I DIE?"
i didnt remember watching a weird scary short film with a strange circle in it two days before
but hey, you never know
anyways,
apparently, that poster is some sort of ad for the school yearbook.
i feel like there are more effective, less frightening methods of advertising
of which the school should have taken advantage
but thats just my two cents.

{{"crystalised - the xx}}

"i can ride my bike with no handlebars, with no handlebars, with no handlebars..."

2010-04-04T19:49:00.000-07:00

i
am
going
to
princeton.

i feel like the last twelve years of my life have been validated.
everything i've worked for has finally culminated in something concrete.

best
day
of
my
life

{{"handlebars" - flobots}}

"road trippin with my three favorite allies..."

2010-03-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

fully loaded, we've got snacks and supplies

hells yes.

it's about time.

too bad my friends and i dont really share a taste in music

too bad i dont really share a taste in music with anyone...

{{"road trippin" - the red hot chili peppers}}

"snape, snape, severus snape..."

2010-03-28T10:47:00.000-07:00

im DUMBLEDORE

LA MAO state convention opening skit

"no one's left untouched. she's so fabulously lazy..."

2010-03-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

today is the perfect day to be fabulously lazy
i can feel it.
there is a monstrous pile of laundry on my bed
i need to relocate it into my closet
but putting it off is just so much fun

never do today what you can do tomorrow?

i'm having way too much fun listening to delta blues
i have no idea why it speaks to me like this
but it just does.
son house
mississippi sheiks
muddy waters
i need to get some robert johnson

im so lazy i think almost all the clothes i have bought in the past six months have been online...

time to burn mix cds for the road
on the road againnn

i need to take out eugene, my electric guitar, again
{i just used an appositive!}
i wish my dad didnt feel the need to stay at home so often
so that i could actually turn my amp up
its not the same with headphones
you dont get to surround yourself with the sounds the same way

i have this thelonious monk with john coltrane album
i do believe that it is quite good.

sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i wasn't so obsessed with music
i think i would be boring and skinny.

i stopped sharing as many of my random thoughts with my friends
my train of thought is quite incredible
it goes all sorts of every single where

i think im going to try to accomplish something today
HA yeah right

{{"fabulously lazy" - franz ferdinand}}

"five days inside zoo york to lose myself with friends..."

2010-03-27T17:54:00.000-07:00

came home
crashed
woke up
watched the office
and here i am
should i catch up on lost?
or do my physics homework and read the great gatsby?
lets see. i have three more days
i have already read gatsby at least 4 times
and i am giving up on physics
lost it is.

the past couple days were insaneeee
final mao state convention
i have come to the conclusion that i am a machine.
theres no other reasonable explanation

i dont like shady people
she was legitimately a crazy person
and nobody could tell
that really frightens me inside

doing laundry
packing my suitcase one more time
and then i am out of hereeee

i hate how sleep isnt like a bank
you can't stock up on sleep and then not get anymore
and then sleep for a huge chunk and expect to be okay
i learned that in my psychology class
and it broke my heart

i feel like i probably shouldnt have donated blood on wednesday
i still feel dizzy and my legs are still wobbly
but im pretty sure i'll be fine

i had a nightmare that i took out my nose ring and nobody could recognize me
it was weird.

{{"tourist" - athlete}}

"hey little apple blossom, what seems to be the problem?"

2010-03-20T15:59:00.000-07:00

we leave for arkansas in 11 days
it
cannot
come
soon
enough.

someone just wrang my doorbell
i wonder who it could be

{{"apple blossom" - the white stripes}}

"lets pretend we don't exist, let's pretend we're in antarctica..."

2010-03-18T17:17:00.002-07:00

and then it happened.
great.

{{"wraith pinned to the mist and other games" - of montreal}}

"pulled into nazareth, feeling about half past dead..."

2010-03-07T08:31:00.000-08:00

really ridiculous things happen to me / around me
and i realize that they sound like really shady stories
but i simply could not make them up.

for example, last night i played at a wedding in destrehan
and there was this um "vertically challenged" guy who was drinking
and at first he was just heckling the lead singer of the house band
and then he took over the dance floor
and THEN he picked up a ukelele and joined the band's lineup
while i sat in the corner of the room like a big fat creeper
because i left my book in the car
the lead singer came and serenaded me for a while
so everyone started looking at me
which was unnecessarily embarrassing
and i had to wait for dr pan and his wife to finish eating so that we could leave...
it was probably the most awkward 45 minutes of my life.

i have to play guitar for this play at brmhs
i find it odd that in the entire school
they cannot find any students who are proficient enough on guitar to play 4 chords
so they have to come to mckinley?

i had the weirdest dream last night
and i need to pretend like it didnt happen
but it was so freaking real
and that scares me
because it really could have happened
and that would ruin EVERYTHING
but a part of me wants it to happen anyway?

idk.

i changed my guitar's name to bernard

{{"the weight" - the band}}

"when you're riding alone on a bike built for two, everyone knows there's someone waiting for you..."

2010-03-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

i have this wall around me
and its like freaking fort knox
i dont let people in. ever.
but sometimes, someone comes along
and before you know it
they're sprawled out right beside you
like they were just there all along

{{"a bike for two" - captain chaos}}

"see the vegetable man, in the vegetable van, with a horn that's honking like a mariachi band..."

2010-02-28T13:31:00.000-08:00

i was just reading through some of my old journals
from like 6th and 7th grade
i didn't realize how ridiculous i sounded back then
i am legitimately ashamed of who i used to be
such a stereotypical 12-year old girl
wow.

i ordered myself a slanket
liz lemon is my hero
im too lazy to take my guitar out of its case
but i've been going through chord progressions in my head

school has become such a waste of time
but it is getting more fun

i really want to read a good book
i think the last good book i read was the poisonwood bible
or maybe american psycho
that book was so weird
but i could not put it down
i wanted to get inside patrick bateman's mind and see where he was going

yesterday, the wedding was entertaining
the bride almost didn't come out
and the groom started crying
does it make me a bad person if i wanted her to not walk down the aisle?
i wonder if that ever happens in real life
attending a wedding is so different when you're the help
i people watch during the ceremony
sometimes you can identify some really angry looking people in the pews
and i wonder if they dont want the bride and groom to get married
you know how they say, "speak now or forever hold your peace?"
no one ever speaks then
like, really, who want's to be the jerk to disrupt the wedding?
but i wish someone would, just once
next week the wedding is at destrehan
fancyyyyy
fancy weddings are the best.
especially when they have open bar
because you get to see how ridiculously everyone behaves

i have barely looked at my physics for my exam this week
but i have fallen asleep on my notebook and my textbook
so perhaps i might have learned something via osmosis.
i dont think it matters though
because i. am. a. machine.

alice in wonderland comes out this week.
finally
i have been waiting for this movie for months
through the looking glass is one of my favorite books ever
every time i look in a mirror
i wish i could just fall through
i wonder what i would find on the other side

there's this episode of arthur
where he imagines he digs a hole in his backyard
and ends up excavating some sort of underground colosseum
i wish that would happen to me one day
one time i thought about digging up a hole
but i think my dad loves his lawn more than us
so if i ruined it that would be the end of me.

listening to weezer makes me feel like i did
the day my sister and i discovered the buddy holly video on our computer
i must have been less than 8 years old
and we thought it was incredible
the way they juxtaposed themselves with happy days
for a while we thought they actually were on happy days
until we realized that was too anachronistic

i love driving by myself.
late at night
belting out my favorite songs
if it wasnt such a waste of gas
i would do it alll the timeee

{{"que onda guero" - beck}}

"the confidence is the balaclava, i'm sure you'll baffle 'em good..."

2010-02-26T16:14:00.001-08:00

i was 9 years old when i first read harriet the spy
harriet was my hero
i carried a notebook with me everywhere
i scribbled down everything i saw, everything i thought
i used to sit outside my house, partially hiding behind the bushes
waiting for something to happen
waiting for someone to come by
but we lived in the back of the neighborhood
nobody ever passed through
nothing ever happened
but i would sit there religiously
every single day
and wait
because i truly believed that someday
something would happen
and then one day
i accidentally left my notebook out
and my mom found it
and read through it
and that was that.

sometimes, i still wish i could be harriet

{{"balaclava" - the arctic monkeys}}

"i've been staring, i've been staring into space, all this time, not a smile, such a waste..."

2010-02-25T15:42:00.000-08:00

i messed up, i get it
but im trying to apologize
and you simply shut me down

{{"said the people" - dinosaur jr}}

"hang me up to dry, you've wrung me out too, too, too many times..."

2010-02-22T14:37:00.000-08:00

that is my favorite song by cold war kids
idk if it's just because it was the first song i ever heard by them
like everyone remembers the first song they hear by a band
the first song i ever heard by the white stripes was seven nation army
i stopped in my tracks and was like, wow.
speaking of the white stripes
i heard the most random cover of dead leaves and the dirty ground today
it was insaneee
it made me want a banjo so freaking badly

senioritis is kicking in full time
i am counting the minutes
they go by so slowlyyyyy
i need to get out of here
i really need to get out of here

i'm pearly like the white, the whites of your eyes

i have found that my eyes are very expressive
even if i try to hide my feelings on my face
{which i'm not very good at anyway}
my eyes will reveal exactly how i feel about something

i am legitimately glad i didn't go to winter formal on saturday
dances are so weirdddd

if i cut off all my hair i wouldn't have any friends
like ALL my hair, not just a short hair cut
but like leaving less than one inch of fuzz on my head
i wouldn't feel like myself with no hair
but sometimes i get so fed up with it
like when it's really humid outside
and i just want to chop it all off
i freaking hate how humid louisiana is
its like living in a cloud
and not like a nice fluffy cloud, that seems all magical like the mary poppins kind
but a mean, dense, gross evil cloud

people are weirdos

{{"hang me up to dry" - cold war kids}}

"waiting, watching the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop..."

2010-02-20T18:18:00.001-08:00

my life is really starting to get on my nerves
i just want to break away from it and start over
like refresh

i have been doing my physics homework. all freaking day long.
i got almost all of it done
and i don't feel accomplished at all
because i didn't completely finish it
i have like 3 questions left
so i can't cross it off my list
and i still have to read a chapter in my history book
a chapter in my computer science book
and a whole unit in my english book

i haven't touched my violin in forever
i hate myself for that
i don't even have an excuse
i just can't bring myself to get it out and play it
but i have to force myself to put my guitar away
i can vamp on a chord progression for hours
i can't even play my scales for 10 minutes
anymore.
i had a huge burst of creative energy musically when i went to nocca
that place really was conducive to creativity
i could hole up in my practice room for hours
with nothing but my violin
but now
i just can't do it.
i shouldn't be unable to do anything
but i am

i think thats what hurts the most, mentally
is that im not good at every freaking thing in the world
like this introspection right now
is making me super uncomfortable

yesterday was so much fun
people watching was way more entertaining than watching a doll's house
henrik ibsen, i do believe you had a creative fart while writing this one
it's so amazing the things you can learn about people
when they think you can't see them
i realized everyone is a loser
some just hide it better than others

tomorrow is my second to last lyo concert ever
i have played in 27 of these concerts
since i was 8 years old.
i think my favorite piece we ever played was definitely
pictures at an exhibition
mussorgsky is a genius.

{{"betterman" - pearl jam}}

"when the men take me to the devil tree, i will be free and shining like before..."

2010-02-11T15:28:00.000-08:00

i am most definitely burned out like a smoldering candle.
my whole self hurts.
its so cold outside
and i still feel like i'm freezing from the inside out
emotionally
it hurts.

sometimes i feel like i don't know him at all
and i try to pretend like it doesn't totally throw me off guard
but it's getting harder and harder

apparently i'm not as bad at physics as i thought i was
who would have thunk?

i feel really uncomfortable
because in less than 6 months
i will be gone, gone, gone
and i don't even know where i'll be
but i know who i'm leaving behind
and that makes me sad

lots of people say my thinking face is angry looking
that freaks me out, because i think a lot
and i don't want to look angry all the time

but speaking of angry
i was so freaking pissed today
there was no need for hira to pitch such a hissy fit.

the only good thing about today is a new episode of the office.
no kidding.
i want to go to the gym
but i'm not allowed to drive in "this kind of weather"
its not even snowing yet
sheesh.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to get shot.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to get in a car wreck
i'm not a weirdo
i'm not even morbid or anything
i just wonder...

{{"free until they cut me down" - iron & wine}}

"i don't feel like dancing, dancing, why'd you break it down when i'm not in the mood?"

2010-02-06T09:05:00.000-08:00

i think i'm just going to go ahead and stop talking
because it causes me too much trouble

im really mad at my physics solutions manual
it barely has any answers
even most of the ones that are in the back of the book
arent in the solutions manual
so how am i supposed to figure out these problems
if they dont have more than 1 example in the book per CHAPTER
like, let's show you how to do ONE easy problem
and you can figure out the really hard ones on your own
i. hate. physics.

{{"i don't feel like dancing" - the scissor sisters}}

"i've made my bed, now i'm lying in it without a care, a care in the world..."

2010-01-31T18:37:00.000-08:00

i got spectra specs
so i can keep an eye out for wrackspurts now
i feel so badass when i drive around with my spectra specs on.

watching the grammy's right now
there's so much good music out there that isn't featured here
and so much good music that takes YEARS to get there
like, i listened to kings of leon in 7th grade
and everyone was like, WHAT? WHO'S THAT?
=(
this zach brown band just made my heart dance.

i really need a rewind button on my mouth.

{{"maybe next year" - meiko}}

"i was out of your league, but you were 20,000 underneath the sea..."

2010-01-30T15:46:00.000-08:00

yesterday when i was driving home
my windows were ridiculously foggy
and it was pouring rain.
i couldn't see very far in front of me
and then all of a sudden
i felt like life was trying to tell me something
and i wanted it to stop raining inside and out
so that i could see a little farther
but i couldn't
and i was getting so frustrated.
i know there was something there i needed to see
i just couldn't see it
and i have this really vague feeling that it's happened to me before
i hate missing things.

the other day, torian and i realized that if we pulled a tobias and just recorded everything that each other said
we would have some ridiculous sounding things
because often times, i don't even listen to myself before i speak
when i'm around certain people, there is seriously no filter between my mind and my mouth.
that scares me a little.
but i also find it fascinating
i wish there was a way i could record every single thought i've ever had
how interesting would that be!?!?

anyways,
i've got to go read a bunch of emerson now.
transcendentalism is gross.

{{"true affection" - the blow}}

"questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud(ly) as my heart..."

2010-01-27T16:12:00.000-08:00

so my physics class is totally kicking my ass
great.
so is my computer science class.
isn't the spring semester of your senior year supposed to be easier?
=(

i feel like the days are finally going by way quicker than i anticipated
so i guess im glad my classes are hard
they're keeping me busy
because if i think too hard
i will go insane

i need to take a break from life.

i need to detach myself.

i

n e e d

t o

d e t a c h

m y s e l f

yes. just like that.

ready.

set.

g o

{{"the scientist" - coldplay}}

"we're free to do as we please, yeah from morning til the end of the day..."

2010-01-22T19:56:00.001-08:00

lately, really good things and really bad things have been happening to me
almost nothing in the middle
it's weirding me out.

i destroyed beta convention
tore that shit up
it was beautiful
those were the good things

really bad things
i won't mention
embarrassing things
uncanny coincidences
i think i'll just go ahead and pretend like they didn't happen

uh ohhhhh
you know how there are things you just wish you could say to people?
but you can't?
i wish i could get away with saying whatever came to my mind
it is a freaking maelstrom in there
no joke.

anyway
i really want to know how i'm going to make it through this semester
i completely underestimated the amount of work i would have
greattttt

i really like driving with my windows down
and my music blaring super loud
alice in chains is so fun to sing along to
"man in the box" has got to be an anthem of some sort.

i have so much shit in my room
i wish i knew what to do with it
i kind of want to throw it all away.
that sounds like a good start.

{"til the end of the day" - the kinks}}

"walking through town is quite scary, and not very sensible either..."

2010-01-18T19:36:00.000-08:00

i could really use a rewind button on life
but i guess life wouldn't be nearly as interesting then, huh?
my super awkward moments make for great stories
NOT...
i feel like i have accomplished nothing this weekend
i feel like there's not too much to do
but then i think about it
and i get super overwhelmed
i just want to keep myself busy busy busy.

i love writing thank you cards.

people can be really mean.
and others can be really nice.

my guitar is one of my best friends ever.
i cannot imagine my life without it
i think i would be a totally different person

i officially love working out.
my history teacher was completely right
it gives me control
and it is a way better stress reliever than i expected it to be...

i still care too much
i need to stopppppp
detach myself from everything and everybody
for a little while
just take a step back and reexamine all my relationships
i'm pretty sure i'll see that i don't need many of them

{{"i predict a riot" - kaiser chiefs}}

"you want it all, but the world won’t give it up. up to the edge, a star will rise..."

2010-01-10T17:00:00.000-08:00

i joined a gym on friday!
i have gone three days in a row
making it four tomorrow
hells yeah this is some sort of record
i really hope i'm not underestimating my physics class this semester
that would suck
but it wouldn't really matter
so it's okay.

i love my gym
i just bought new exercising shorts
i am so on top of this hahahaha

i am gobbling up music from every direction.
black rebel motorcycle club is insane.
(my favorite song by them right now is 666 conducer)
i love them.
i am giving u2 a chance now that i've watched it might get loud
oh god.
favorite. movie. ever.
its the most beautiful documentary i've ever seen.
it made me fall in love with music all over again.

jimmy page's vinyl collection makes my heart beat faster.
if i had a fraction of that it would be insaneee
i want to be an audiophile when i grow up

{{"weapon of choice" - black rebel motorcycle club}}

"i see you girls looking at my junk and checking out my rump and back to my sugalumps..."

2010-01-07T15:02:00.000-08:00

its freezing outside.

i think i'm freezing inside too.
on accident.
i apologize.

{{"sugalumps" - flight of the conchords}}
flight of the conchords are my role models.
i want to be just like them when i grow up.

"tell me what you know about them night terrors every night..."

2009-12-31T18:00:00.000-08:00

that was a perfect day.

goodbye wisdom teeth
hello new year
almost
not quite
my mouth hurts
i can't eat anything im so hungry all the time
and yesterday i kept throwing up throwing up throwing up
it was seriously disgusting
and my bff hannah actually spent the night to take care of me
im really not sure what i did to deserve such an awesome friend
i wish she was my sister for real
but she pretty much is my sister anyway
i guess
raspberry sorbet is heaven
thank you haagen-dazs
my meds gave me nightmares
it was legit frightening
the first night i had to wake my mom up to sleep in my bed to protect me
because i was 128932% sure awful things were coming to get me
last night hannah protected me
and im not sure what i'm going to do tonight
but everytime i close my eyes
its scary. its really scary.
but i can't say what happens
it doesn't make sense at all
like, really at all.
and i've been so cranky the past couple days
im sorry
and now im officially addicted to knitting
you don't know how much fun it is
i like having something concrete to measure the amount of work i've put in
i need to ice my face it hurts
it hurts it hurts
im worried and nervous
i don't feel like going back to school

fireworks all night long
i just want to go to sleep
but i can't i can't i can't

i wish people couldn't just die like that
there has got to be some sort of warning
you can't just leave
your parents, your sister, your friends, everyone
misses you
i didn't even know you that well
but i still looked up to you
you were so awesome
and you didn't care what anyone else said
you followed your dream
and made a difference
if i make a difference in anyone's life
that'll be enough for me.

{{"pursuit of happiness" - kid cudi and ratatat}}

2009-12-23T19:44:00.001-08:00

your mind is really the only privacy you've got
what happens when you start to lose it?
what happens when you start to lose yourself in it?

"you're live and elemental, you're sweet and you're rude..."

2009-12-21T17:16:00.001-08:00

i didn't know it was possible for music to be this perfect

i had the best days ever on friday and saturday
woke up, spent the ENTIRE day at hannah's
it was so comfortable.
up all night playing balderdash with my 3 bffls
that game is ridiculously fun
no kidding.
saturdayyyy {{late}} lunch with 3 more of my bffls
epic game of hide and seek at perkins rowe
dinner at la carreta

then i had to write furiously to finish my scholarship essays
first draft is at doc's house at the moment
she was all fancy dressed!
so while she is out having fun
i'll sit here and bite my nails
because my vacation will NOT start until my application is on its way.

i will continue to take charge until you give me a good reason not to
and from what i've seen so far
that is highly unlikely.
do something about it.
and even if you don't do anything about it?
i can. and i will.
ha.

is it weird if i say that i love being me?
i'm quite good at it, if i do say so myself.

i'm almost certain now, that even if things don't turn out the way i've been planning for the last 17.5 years, i'll be okay.
its weird because i've never felt that way before.
but i've realized that quite frankly, there is nothing more for me to do
that i haven't already done
or that i'm not already doing

"you're pure heart..."
if i could play the blues like dan auerbach
my life would be complete.

{{"ain't nothing like you (hoochie coo)" - blakroc (black keys / mos def / jim jones}}

"you ain't never heard of a girl who could do it like this..."

2009-12-14T17:11:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wish i didn't have feelings
because then they wouldn't get hurt
because quite frankly, i didn't want these feelings there in the first place
but now i'm stuck with them
*sigh*
whatever.
20.5 hours
i have never wanted anything so badly in my life
oh god oh god oh god.
freaking outttttt
tomorrow is my strings midterm
i really should have studied
oh well.
there is still so much to be done.

lab lunch on thursday! i'm so glad they invited me!
i miss them actually.
i'm still not sure if i want to work there over the summer or at sweet wishes
i guess i have to see if sweet wishes will hire me first
i kind of want to work at smoothie king
i really like smoothies now.
idkkk

new phoneeee
i love ittttt
samsung solstice
=)

i do nice things for people who least expect it
its really fun to watch them get flustered.

{{"i got you dancing" - lady sovereign}}

"living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see..."

2009-12-06T15:27:00.000-08:00

talented music concert today
it actually went pretty well
i'm addicted to pistachios
i finished my christmas shopping yesterday
and i spent way too much
so if i didn't already buy someone something
they are getting a handmade something
=( =( =( =(
i have to finish my scholarship essays
writers block sucks.
i actually really like playing my violin
it amazes me how much i like it
because it takes me FOREVER to get it out
like, i have ZERO motivation to unpack it and tune it
but when i FINALLY get it out
im like, okay lets do this
and i play and play and play and play and it's not so bad.

{{"strawberry fields forever" - the beatles}}

"oh let the sun beat down upon my face, with stars to fill my dream...."

2009-11-29T10:38:00.000-08:00

i take that back.

{{"kashmir" - led zeppelin}}

"i'm the bloodstain on your shirtsleeve..."

2009-11-25T13:24:00.000-08:00

i would KILL for a bottle of oxycodone right about now.

i hate that they don't know
i hate that i always look like the bad kid
they don't know they don't know they don't know
oh how i wish they did
because then they would stop loving you more than me.
bitch.

{{"don't forget me" - red hot chili peppers}}

"stacks on deck, patron on ice..."

2009-11-23T09:50:00.000-08:00

i saw chase and cori on friday night.
chase was right.
it was such a tease.
when they loaded up the bus and left
i felt abandoned.
i really did.
all state was really weird without them there.

22 days.
its almost HERE
i've been counting down since 460 something
so i pretty much cannot breathe.
i wish i could just hibernate for the next three weeks.

huck finn is actually really really good.
i'm reading it in waves.
ohmygod.
i have so much to do this weekend.
i've been putting everything off for until thanksgiving
and i'm so burned out i don't know what to do.

my brain hurts. it hurts. i hate my math class.
i really do.
and it's not like i'm doing badly
it just makes me feel weird because i don't study like i should
and i've still gotten a perfect on every exam.
and that's why i can't go to lsu.
it makes me feel bad about myself.

cookies and cream bars are my favorite.
they are like bars of heaven wrapped up in foil.
our concert was weird.
i think i want to buy the dvd.
the conductor is my new favorite conductor ever.
he knew the scores backwards and forwards.
thats how it should be i think.
and he was a violist.
which just makes him even better.

{{"whatever you like" - anya marina (cover) }}

"you think that i don't know? you're wrong..."

2009-11-19T16:55:00.000-08:00

so tomorrow is all state
and my english test.
i haven't studied AT ALL
and i read the book
AND the sparknotes
and i'm STILL not sure what was going on in the book
so i think i'm a little screwed.

i need to choose an animal cracker.

applying to princeton in 5...4...3...2...1...

my body hurts all over.
i'm so sore.
this is why i should exercise more
so that way when i actually use my muscles
my body hasn't forgotten that they're there...

{{"criminals" - atlas sound}}

"you took a white orchid turned it blue..."

2009-11-18T16:57:00.000-08:00

i didn't see that one coming.

{{thats what she said!}}

ba dump CHHHHHH

but really,
i was not expecting this. at all.

{{"blue orchid" - white stripes}}

"tell me what do you see when you looking at me..."

2009-11-15T15:53:00.000-08:00

home! finally!
friday night was crazy.
i feel so so so so so bad.
can't talk about it. can't talk about it.
i played at a wedding on saturday
i hate weddings.
they're stupid an emotional.
maybe i'm just jealous or resentful or something idk.
whatever.

indecision pisses me off.

lyo concert today
i'm pretty sure they just get worse and worse every year
OR
i become more and more aware of how bad they are.
idk.

my brain hurts.
i'm paranoid.

my heart hurts.
and that just sucks.

{{"all the above" - maino feat. t. pain}}

"i got that grape kool-aid filled swimming pool..."

2009-11-06T15:29:00.000-08:00

i need to think before i do things.

{{"audacity of huge" - simian mobile disco}}

"walking down the street, you see the tears and you must believe..."

2009-11-04T18:49:00.000-08:00

today was one of the worst days ever.
i found out that one of the teachers at mck has been talking about me behind my back
like, a sixty year old woman acting like a twelve year old?
really?
i got rejected from lsu
because the class i wanted to take is like, too advanced or some nonsense
that has never ever happened to me before.
i feel ridiculous.
and i hate crying with my contacts in
it HURTS.

i like the natural history version of this song better than the spoon version. i mean, i love love love spoon but not this time sorry bub.

i have to do my history homework now.
i just spent like 4 hours writing my english paper
its not very good.
and probably 3 of those 4 hours were spent trying to keep my mind from wandering
my mind wanders wanders wanders a lot.

i went to my math class today
2:40 closed my eyes.
opened them again at 3:20, stayed awake for the last ten minutes of class
scribbled down some notes
and left...
but i don't really feel like i'd learn much more if i had stayed awake anyway
so i guess its okay.

our bomb threat yesterday was a little ridiculous.
2.5 hours in the stadium
and they made such a fuss when i asked if i could go to my car to get a book
i ended up giving amberr my book.
the phantom tollbooth
happens to be one of the best books ever written.
its like alice in wonderland but words instead of logic
i love it.

okay. off to make up some things about alexander the not so great...

{{"don't you ever" - the natural history}}

what am i listening to today?

2009-10-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

today was a really good day
my bffl turned 18!
we went to roman's for dinner
YUMMMMMM
i spent like 3 hours in the library with trevor
i hadn't laughed like that in a while
WOW it was really needed.

"i wish he didn't dress like he was in boy meets world"

i also did a very nice thing today
it made me feel happy
i think i'll make a habit of it.

so like all the blockbusters in baton rouge are going out of business
i was so excited to buy things on sale
so me and aaron roll up at the blockbuster at the corner of state and highland
and the selection sucks.
we spent like almost 30 minutes trying to find something worth buying
nothing.
no wonder they're going out of business.
seriously,
even the SHELVES were on sale.
no joke...

i had my first college interview today
vanderbilt!!!!
it was fun
=)

i think i might get started on my homework
i set an alarm for 7:30 to remind me.
two hours later, i find myself still pressing snooze...

surprise song. click the link.
i PROMISE you'll love it.
everybody does.
we need more songs like this again...
epic.

"cut of your hair, straighten your curls. your problems lie in your curls..."

2009-10-22T16:48:00.000-07:00

i got a haircut
no actually i got them all cut
ba dump chhhhhh
sorry.

tornado watch today
mu alpha theta cancelled
thank goodness.
i wonder when i will be able to play my guitar again
without my finger hurting
i really miss going to buchanan.
this is so stupid
i want my old finger back...

whatever.

word on the street is
graduation is on may 13
which just so happens to be
my 18th birthday
big day, huh?

december 15 CANNOT come fast enough

i wish i had a rewind button on my mouth
or just a do-over button in general
that would be nice...
but i guess that wouldn't be fair
you won't really learn anything if you don't have to deal with the consequences
and i mean it's not that serious or anything right now.

i can't wait for pierre to watch my arrested development dvds
i love sharing my love for arrested development.
it happens to be the best. show. ever.
it is like funnier than pee-your-pants funny.

scarlet letter happens to be one of the most boring books ever written
and i know it's like OHHHH this is BRILLIANT literature
i'm sorry
but it is NOT.
like yay you know how to use symbolism
good job, hawthorne.
too bad you can't hide your creeper obsession with hester and pearl
*sigh*

i wonder what it would be like if i just drove and drove without using my steering wheel
i want to try it so badly
but i am fully aware that i will run into so many things
that's stopping me
but i just think it'd be really interesting to see where i end up...

{{"little acorns" - the white stripes}}

"i'm in chains, you're in chains too..."

2009-10-20T18:01:00.000-07:00

once again
i find myself
burned out
like a smoldering candle

{{"jailor" - asa}}

"memories of everything on lemon trees in mercury come to me with remedies from five or six of seven seas..."

2009-10-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

i was in locket hall yesterday talking to parish before my class started
and all of a sudden, parish decides to tell everyone that i'm still in high school
and i was like, thanks, because i hadn't told anyone that...
but he still proceeded to tell everyone that i was really really smart
so now once again, i am the goopy smart kid.
great...

59 days...

i can play my violin now, if i keep a bandaid on my fingertip.
that's good.
two wedding gigs in november!
hells yeah!
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
except the only thing that stinks is that
i hate affectionate couples
and i don't think it gets more affectionate and cutesy than on wedding days...
oh well.
money is money.
i need to practice though
i'm scared of dr. pan's wife!

i was listening to my by the way album yesterday
ohhhhh its so goooooodddddddddd
its like a blanket of comfort.
i think i might like mars more than jupiter now.
when stadium arcadium first came out, i was like JUPITER IS THE BEST
but after listening to both discs for four years
i like the sound on mars better.
but they're both still incredible.

i wish i could read people's minds
but then again, i'd feel really violated if someone could read my mind
so i guess not.
but still.
idk.

i hate being a scapegoat.

{{"on mercury" - red hot chili peppers}}

"I'll tell you what, mathematically i'm having it. i want to live on science alone..."

2009-10-14T15:11:00.001-07:00

ohmygod.

i blushed again.
how is he able to do that to me?

{{"scientist" - the dandy warhols}}

"if you still want me, please forgive me. the crown of love has fallen from me..."

2009-10-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

today my sister marched in dc for LGBT rights
i am super duper proud and jealous of her.
my parents did not feel the same way
they said she should have been studying
and that if this is how she's spending her time
they won't pay for her education anymore.
i know they still will
but i have never been so disappointed in them before.

i still want to be arcade fire when i grow up.

or maybe julia stone.

my madre made hummus today
its deliciousness.

my finger is now crooked.
i am frightened
i am sure that it will be okay though
because i will probably die if i can't play my instruments like i used to.
thats not an exaggeration
my fingers have been itching for my guitar for three days
i tried twice
and it hurt so so so so so so so badly
and all-state results are out.
first violin thank god.
i would be super upset if i wasn't
since i have been freshman, sophomore, and junior year.
it'll be weird though
because none of my really close friends are in it
i really really really wanted nikki to make it.
i would be super surprised if michael dai was my standpartner again.
he's been my standpartner since sophomore year.
but he's really nice.
he lets me use my music
which is way way way way more than i can say for jane zhang
hmph.
oh yeah.
i wish i could practice my violin.
i really want to learn the principal violin part for winter
its beautiful
vivaldi is one of my favorite composers
he does really interesting things with his melodies.
i like it.
I WANT MY FINGER BACK NOW.

66 days.

high school dances freak me out.
i've only been to one before, my freshman year.
it was not fun.
it's just like dressing up and going to school with loud music.
since i don't really like many of the people at my school
i decided i wouldn't like the dances either.

with my lightning bolts a glowing,
i can see where i am going.

oh.my.god
i bought skinny jeans yesterday.
well i ordered them online
don't judge me!
they were on sale at american eagle...
thats no excuse i know
but i was curious..
like an altoid...

the scarlet letter is really really really hard to read.
i wonder if my english teacher would let me get the book on tape...

so i got this booklet from yale in the mail after i sent in my application.
oh my god.
i have to have to have to go here.
they have a humor tabloid!
if i get in, i am SO going to write for it.
that is my non-science-related dream!

i feel like i am more and more comfortable with myself every day
i love it.

{{"crown of love" - arcade fire}}

"we're just a million little gods causing rainstorms turning every good thing to rust..."

2009-10-09T15:23:00.000-07:00

my finger got crushed in a door yesterday
its pretty gross
the nail is broken and its STILL bleeding and the bruise is blue, purple, and gross.
i miss my finger
its my left middle finger
how am i supposed to play violin, viola, or guitar without my second finger?
its my favorite vibrato finger
i have two concerts next week.
i feel bad.
it's one of my last concerts as concertmaster for WBRM
i don't know what to do.
=(

your touch is like, electric
and that scares me.

i can't drive because my parents think i can't grip the steering wheel properly and it's dangerous for me to drive like that...
no car this weekend =(

i haven't gotten confirmation emails from the colleges to which i've applied (except tulane) and i'm freaking outttt
i have so many essays to write this weekend.
columbus day monday!
no school!
but i still have to go to lsu for class
what a waste.
and for thanksgiving, i have no school
but i still have to go to lsu on monday AND wednesday
unless my professor miraculously cancels class.
i'm too afraid to not show up.
the one class i miss is going to be the pop quiz
i know it.

i wish i was going to voodoofest.
the line up is ridiculous.
i think i liked the lineup at austin city limits better though.

i'm going to be arcade fire when i grow up.

{{"wake up" - arcade fire}}

"you leave me here on my own. you leave me to die on the floor..."

2009-10-07T16:07:00.000-07:00

hi miller!
=P

so i'm still listening to tonight:franz ferdinand
it's such a good album
its ridiculous.

i applied to two more colleges yesterday
so now its four down, two to go
and then i'm done!
but i still have to do my scholarship applications
so i'm a semifinalist for this $20,000 scholarship
and the final part is like a 140 character tweet or facebook wall post
on why i'm more than a test score
this will be interesting.

i fell asleep in my math class on monday
and when i woke up, my professor was glaring at me.
i ALMOST stayed awake the whole time today
and then like, fifteen minutes before class got out, i nodded in and out of sleep for five minutes
so i was awake for the last ten minutes of class
but i feel like my professor doesn't appreciate that
i try SO HARD to stay awake in his class
he has no idea how hard he makes it...

{{"can't stop feeling" - franz ferdinand"}}

"you're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no..."

2009-10-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

oh god
i cannot believe a katy perry song applies to my life
how sad is that?'

i need to decide to which colleges i'm applying.
now.
before my teachers mail off recommendations
asdlasdlkasdjasldlkasda

i'm sick.
i hate being sick
i end up feeling like a baby
and all i want to do is curl up with my mommy and make her make me feel better

{{"hot n cold" - katy perry}}

"i can still make you blush..."

2009-10-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

i blushed.
i never blush.
thats just not me
but i could feel my face turning red red red.
he is good.

{{"blush" - raveonettes}}

"send a heartbeat to the void that cries through you..."

2009-09-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

i love that song.
it should be like the soundtrack to my life
it just sounds really badass.
it was on the watchmen soundtrack
i read the first 8 chapters.
it was really good
but then it was overdue at the library
so i never finished it
i didn't see the movie either
apparently, they changed the end?
but fred says that the end is the best best best part of the book
so that kind of sucks.

tomorrow's the college fair!
yay!
i haven't been on a field trip in such a long time
i think thats like the only thing i'll miss about high school
and i have fall holiday from lsu this week
but i STILL HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL
and then during thanksgiving when i get the whole week off school
I STILL HAVE CLASS
oh that's so not fair!
asdjasdhkajsdhasdkjsa

i beasted my math exam
i got a perfect
oh i'm so relieved
but it's weird because when i was trying to help brian with his calc 1
i was trying to think in three dimensions and i kept messing myself up...

{{"the beginning is the end is the beginning" - smashing pumpkins}}

"i'll stay home forever where two and two always makes a five..."

2009-09-27T16:41:00.000-07:00

i'm studying for my math test right now.
oh my goodness.
i'm nervous. this is actually my first LSU non-multiple choice test.
if i don't get an A i will cry myself to death.
i've done every practice question that i can.
well, the odd numbered ones.
i may as well try to do the even numbered ones now i guess?

anyways,
i'm making my portfolio for student of the year
and it freaks me out to see me like summarized by what fits in the binder.
its weird.
scholarship applications time
woo hooooooo
essays essays essays.
"relecting on your life experiences or those of others, explore how family influences the development of leadership in individuals."
in 300 words or less?
i don't think so bub.
i can barely get my into + conclusion to fit in 300 words or less.
how am i supposed to "explore" anything with like a 2 and a half paragraph limit!?!?

my sister joined a vegetarian co-op
it makes me hungry when she tells me about all the food they eat
i eat the same thing every week
and i don't know what to do.
i'm getting so tired of eating
how lame is that?
food is like one of my favorite things!
but i can't afford to eat out all the time anymore
so i'm stuck with my rice rasam and vegetables.
greattttttt
i've become the stereotypical indian
i stay home from the puja's at the temple studying/writing papers
and i show up RIGHT when they serve dinner
and i eat eat eat my mattar paneer and naan and gulab jamun
and i go home.
=D

it works for me!

{{"2+2=5" - radiohead}}

"the infrastructure will collapse.... forget about your house of cards..."

2009-09-19T14:20:00.001-07:00

your ideas about people are like a house of cards
everything you know about them or you think you know about them
is based off whatever is at the foundation
when they pull a card out from down there
the whole structure comes crashing down
you have no clue how to go about rebuilding it
what do you do with that pile of cards?
right now, i'm just sitting in a big heap of them.
waiting for direction.
oh dear god.
i'm lost in the shattered remnants of who i thought they were.
yeah that's exactly where i wanted to be...

(sarcasm, just in case you couldn't tell...)

{{"house of cards" - radiohead}}

"you let me penetrate you. you let me complicate you..."

2009-09-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

my 100th blog post!
yay!

so i love the new zune software.
my favorite is the smart dj
exploring my music collection is fun.
i have so much random music
its crazyyyy
i love it.

my fingers hurt a lot.
i have all state auditions tomorrow
today, frazier was like, "what would you do if you didn't make it?"
and i realized how pissed i would be if i didn't make first violin.
because i have since 9th grade, and to not do it my senior year i'd be so angry.
like, i didn't realize how much i took it for granted.
like, they select like 25 first violins out of all the violinists who audition in the state.
i kind of wish i was auditioning for viola.
i've never played viola in a full orchestra before, and i think it would be amazing.

so i need to finish my essay on the crucible.
and national merit
ohhh by the way
so i googled myself to see like, what would happen
and apparently they had this nbc33 news article about like, all the students in ebr parish who got national merit.
and they revealed my ACT score AND said i won the 2008 Siemens Award for Advanced Placement. I won it for 2009, and i kind of want to say something about that to them...

{{"closer" - nine inch nails}}

"getting strong now, it won't be long now..."

2009-09-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

i have so much to do!
i feel like i'm stretching myself really thin trying to please everybody
if i were to please myself,
i would throw my phone across my room
hoping that it shatters
and go about my business and not listen to anybody else right now.
but noooooo
i won't do that
instead, i'll agree to meet 3 different people for lunch this week
and tutor 2 more people when i don't really have the time...
and on top of that i'll practice my butt off for an audition that may or may not even matter
and i'll try to think of something to write my college application essays about.
i'm way too afraid to check my facebook
there's always so many messages to which i need to reply
i get overwhelmed and ignore them for a while.
which is what i think i'll do right now
and then i have to watch two french movies within the week...
*sigh*
i wish life would just wait and let me catch up.

{{"gonna fly now" - the rocky theme song}}

"you're a hot mess and i'm loving it, hell yes..."

2009-08-30T16:35:00.000-07:00

wow! cobra starship is catchy!

sooo i have this huge mountain of laundry that i need to put up
i just got finished hanging up my jeans and hoodies and i'm exhausted.

did you know that lawrence welk once fired someone from his show on the air?
because she crossed her legs while sitting on a desk...
i mean, it was 1959, but wow.
he said he didn't tolerate any of that "cheesecake" on his show.
and he would rely on his fanmail to decide which acts to keep and which acts to phase out.
i always thought lawrence welk was like, this holy persona to be revered.
but now i'm just freaked out about the dude.

i learned how to play the accordion this week.
that has got to be one of the most fun instruments EVER.
i feel like by the time i master all of my random instruments,
i'll be a one woman arcade fire.
but that is so okay with me.
playing music with other people is more fun though.
the only person who probably shares my odd musical taste
is amberr.

ohmygod.
i have to see it might get loud.
that will probably become my favorite movie ever
even though i'm not a huge u2 fan, but the edge is pretty much a legend.
not to mention jimmy page. and jack white.
jack white is one of my favorite people ever.
i do believe he is my musical idol
idk if i've said that before?

i really really need to think of something to say for my college apps.
i feel like such a bum sitting here
not knowing what to say at all.
i'm not like a boring person or anything,
and i care about things
but i don't know how to write about those things cohesively.
you know?

so we got the side-view mirror fixed
it was like 330 dollars
i feel so bad
and now i'm afriad of reversing...
mr hood calls it "accident gear"
which is so true.

back to laundry.
and then to the drawing board.
i need to get this done.
now.

{{"hot mess" - cobra starship}}

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHASE
I LOVE YOU!
YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND EVER!

"i bit my tongue in the arc of conversation..."

2009-08-25T18:23:00.000-07:00

so while i'm waiting for chase to look over my essay
i'm in danger of falling asleep at any moment,
so i think i'll blog to keep myself awake.

new jersey was amazing.
i didn't think i was going to be able to interact with so many incredible people.

i ate dinner with dr. martin chalfie one day
he won the nobel prize in chemistry for his work with green fluorescent protein.
that shit is fascinating.
like, how you can illuminate all the nerve cells in the c. elegans.
he says the best part about winning the nobel prize
is that they throw one hell of a party
=)

and the other day i ate lunch with ginny ruffner.
she's probably one of the most inspiring people i've ever met.
she is this amazing glass artist (she works with lots of other mediums too)
and she's left handed.
well in 1992, she got in the awful car accident and was in a coma for months or something
when she woke up, the left side of her body was paralyzed, and all she could do was move one of her fingers.
now she taught herself to be right handed, and her work is still spectacular, if not MORE amazing.
and she is pretty much one of the funniest. people. ever.
she is my new role model. her book, the imagination cycle
is beautiful.

billy collins is my new favorite poet.
litany
oh my god
hangover
the way his perfectly monotonous voice enhances the sarcasm
it's beautiful

christo and jeanne claude
are freaking geniuses.
i love the way their art is juxtaposed so well with its setting

speaking of juxtaposing,
dale chihuly's glass blowing?
BREATHTAKING...

he has got to be the coolest. guy. ever.
they gave us an autographed copy of his book, fire

which is pretty much one of the most intricate, most beautiful books EVER.
i love it.

anywaysssss

dr. luis von ahn,
who INVENTED the captcha
{the annoying blurry words you have to type in sometimes?}
is HILARIOUS.
that dude is beasttttt.
i love how he decided to take his captcha
and then make it like, for a good cause to digitze books.

okayyyy i'm getting really sleepy so i'll have to finish this laterrrrrr

{{"just a boy" - angus and julia stone}}

"all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go..."

2009-08-19T15:26:00.001-07:00

i leave tomorrow.
i am so ridiculously excited.

i had a really good day today

anddddd
i am running for the freshman class president,
with bj running as vp
we are going to tear it uppppp
[[if we win]]
i'm already working on our campaign...

now i must write an essay.
the sun also rises
but it waits for nobody....

{{"leaving, on a jet plane" - john denver}}

i. hate. you.

2009-08-17T18:06:00.000-07:00

and the pathetic part is?
no matter how much
i want to hate you
need to hate you,
i can't.

but

karma's a bitch.
and quite frankly, you deserve everything that you got.
you have no idea how bad you've made me feel
and i can't put it into words right now.

i hate how i laughed
i actually laughed!
when he told me
i knew that if i didn't laugh
i was going to start crying and i wouldn't be able to stop.
ohhhh i was so totally right.

why why why why why am i so upset though????
i'm not surprised. it's not like i couldn't tell.
it's not like anyone didn't know.
i wanted to believe you.

"i'm on the outside, and i'm looking in..."

2009-08-13T14:05:00.000-07:00

people watching is fascinating.
the things people do when they think nobody's looking are ridiculous!
it's like when you're a kid playing peek-a-boo
if you can't see it, you can't really tell if its there
so you figure that it's not
thats how i think sometimes, too, when i'm hiding from dr. pan
if i can't see him, he shouldn't be able to see me
even if my booksack is sticking out from behind the t-building
or you can see my legs under my guitar.

there is absolutely NOTHING to do in baton rouge
i'm trying to think of something to do tomorrow with my friend
and all we came up with was like, watch a movie
eat
shop
thats IT.
like, i seriously can't think of ANYTHING to do and i don't even want to do anything anymore
because i'm so frustrated with the lack of culture in br.

writer's block is almost more insufferable than faulkner's writing.

{{"outside" - staind}}

"a long time ago, we used to be friends, but i haven't thought of you lately at all..."

2009-08-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

do people think i'm weird just because i don't have a boyfriend?
commitment freaks me out.
because i don't hook up randomly?
i'm sorry that i have morals and self respect...
because i don't "party" the way they do?
i need my brain cells and quite frankly, it's not fun...
because i'm not exactly like them?
i'm my own person. and i hate feeling like i'm being punished because of that.

i hate high school.

{{"we used to be friends" - the dandy warhols}}

"i gotta go back, back, back to school again..."

2009-08-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

mckinley is a mess!
today, tam and i went on a scavenger hunt to find our strings class
it was so ridiculous
i felt like such a freshman, repeatedly looking at my schedule trying to find the right room
{they put us in the AUTO TECH room on accident, and nikki said she was in C210, but when we looked for the t-building, it didn't exist! there was a 208 and a 212 but no 210}
and the desks in my french class are COVERED in mold
and there was no soap in the bathroom
but fortunately i ran into someone with hand sanitizer so i felt like i could actually touch something without contaminating it with all the mold spores i contracted.
like, seriously,
the desk was fuzzy...

i'm actually looking forward to my other 3 classes though {world history ap, computer science ii ap, and english iii ap}
i think i may ask my english teacher if we can have class during first lunch and get out at noon instead of taking lunch and then getting out at 12:30. i was SO looking forward to not having to worry about lunch this year.
its quite hard to find the perfect lunch buddy
and when you do find one,
they end up NOT being at your school the next year, NOT being on the same lunch shift the next year, or GRADUATING...
YOU know who i'm talking to... =(
but me and torian do alright.
our game is so much fun.
especially on the first day of school,
where you can tell who's trying really hard, who's not
who desperately want to fit in which clique
and really?
matching outfits are SO elementary/middle school
it was so much fun to shop together for the same outfit when we were 9 years old....
high school? its pushing it...

better go work on my college apps.
these essays are killing meeeeeee

{{"back to school again" - four tops, on grease 2 soundtrack}

"i should be the one behind the wheel..."

2009-08-02T07:49:00.001-07:00

i got my license last week!
finally.
i feel a lot more confident about my driving ability now.
sita aunty gave me a remote controlled car
and i joked and said that was probably the only car my parents will let me drive now.
but i wasn't really joking. it's true.
whatever.
i am scheduling everything for next year, and i am ridiculously excited.
i kind of just want my sister to go back though, because she has decided to "work" downtown this summer, and i'm happy she finally found somewhere that she likes, but really? it's so inconvenient for us all to share 2 vehicles, especially when school starts.
and she has doctor's appointments all over the place, so she's like I NEED THE CAR
and we are now at her mercy.
great....

yesterday we went to the temple, and we had a ganesh puja,
o remover of obstacles, please get me into my top choice college(s)
that was my mantra.
today is an auspicious day (we called my grandmother to check) so i am officially signing up for the common app today.

i'm not sure if competition is good for me or not.
on one hand, it drives me to be the best.
but then i get really hard on myself, unnecessarily.
like, for example.
this summer, i took physics at lsu.
and i got a perfect on almost everything. i lost one point on a homework assignment, but i did all the bonus so i still had over a perfect. i got a perfect on the first two exams, and i got a 96 on my final. i had like, a 99.6 in the class. and i should have been happy right? but moodle shows your ranking, so i was crushed that i went from 1 to 2 to 3 in the last 3 weeks of class. and now i'm not even satisfied with my A.

well school starts on friday.
*sigh*
goodbye summer, thou art fleeting and heartless.

{{"drive" - incubus}}

"country roads, take me home to the place i belong..."

2009-07-22T15:56:00.000-07:00

i'm reading the poisonwood bible.
once you get into it,
it's an amazing book.
i love the way she captures the mind of each character.
i see so much of myself in ruth may, the youngest daughter.
i feel like when i'm reading her parts of the book, i'm reading my thoughts, had i been forced to move to congo in the 1960s for a missionary.

my fingers are itching itching itching
well, i should probably pick up my violin again.
summer's almost over
it has been rolling along, and i feel like an apple bobbing about in it.
and the river's about to deposit me at the bank, where the school year will lift me up and carry me along, and in less than 300 days, it will deposit me at the stage in southern university, where i will receive my diploma.
oh goodness, i cannot wait.

today we went to chelsea's for our lab lunch
more than half of us ordered the grilled cheese!
that, my friend, is a magnificent sandwich.
but there's all sorts of other things i really want to try there
but the grilled cheese wins me over every time, what can i say?
i'm a sucker for six cheeses melted on a foccacia.
=P

{{"country roads" - john denver}}

"don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear, just sing- sing a song."

2009-07-17T16:14:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is....
devika and amber's spectacular sing along!
i am super excited; i love singing children's songs.
they're actually a lot harder than i expected, because some of them have some ridiculous chord progressions going on.
my favorite favorite song is "on top of spaghetti"
when i was in first grade, we had a huge picture book with the lyrics in it
and i would read it every day, and sing the song all the time
my parents could not get me to stop singing it.
i want a banjo.
ohmygoodness.

{{"sing" - my favorite are the sesame street versions}}

"Introverted, i look to tomorrow for salvation ... and a wave of overwhelming doubt turns me to stone...

2009-07-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

i probably should just make this post private
but i don't even really care who reads this,
why bother?
i wish there was something i could do to make myself stop crying.
its been hours now, and i still can't see anything except fuzzy drops falling from the corners of my eyes.
my whole self just hurts.
why?
today i realized i'm turning into the person that i have spent my whole life trying not to be.
all my efforts to stop that have either proven to be useless, or have aided my transformation in that direction.
i can feel the wall building around me and i just want to tear it down but i can't.
my fists are clenched, but they're frozen. i'm frozen. stagnant. static.
you know how when you see a neon sign, and one of the lights is flickering? you can tell something's supposed to be there, but you're not entirely sure what. thats me.
i just snapped today.
and if i didn't have an unreasonable amount of physics to do right now
i would run run run away. because i've lost lost lost my mind.
but where would i run to?

{"struck a nerve" - bad religion}

"oh, baby give me one more chance..."

2009-07-04T11:55:00.000-07:00

i just published a bunch of draft posts that i never got to finish writing on my blog
i figured if i had something to say, i might as well publish it
and it had the time stamp from when i had written it, so it just fits back in
sometimes i wish you could do that with life
like, if you think about doing something
but then you don't
maybe later, you could go and have done it at that time
and then see the path your life would have gone with that action in its place
is that weird?
idk.

watching the jackson story on vh1 with my sister.
i freak out every time i think their dad is going to beat them
i am freaking out a lot.
dude he was such a talented kid.
i wonder what he would have done if he didn't have vitiglio
if that would have stopped or slowed down his eccentricity?
i feel bad because his personal life really really overshadowed his talent.
and that sucks.

{{"i want you back" - jackson 5}}

"bite hard; it's a broken smile that's breaking their hearts and breaking their minds..."

2009-06-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

so i had been going to the same dentist since i was two years old.
he was probably one of the few constants in my life,
i saw him twice a year. for fifteen years.
and today i went to a different dentist
because my parents decided it was time.
=(
now i have to get my wisdom teeth taken out.
if i don't get them out this summer
it will have to be next summer.
i'm sorry
i don't see myself swollen up like a chipmunk
whacked out on crazy meds
to numb the throbbing pain going on in my mouth
can't i just keep my teeth there?
please?

{{"bite hard" - franz ferdinand}}

"suzy's got your number, suzy's got your style..."

2009-06-25T16:45:00.000-07:00

thats how i thought "blood on a dance floor went"
when i was about 8 years old.
i was pretty close though
its "suzy's got your number, and suzy ain't your friend."
not too shabby, huh?
=P

my 5 favorite michael jackson songs
blood on the dance floor
give in to me
smooth criminal
bad
say say say

bye, michael jackson.

"so many things we're burning for, so many things we're burning for..."

2009-06-23T19:18:00.000-07:00

ohmygod.
yesterday at work,
i was pouring liquid nitrogen
and i was kneeling
so when it overflowed
my knees got BURNED.
oh dear god.
i have never been sunburned,
but now i know how badly it hurts
and now my motion is limited to not or barely bending my knees.
that sucks.
i'm pretty sure bendable knees were a survival trait that enabled humans to survive as a species, and now i am missing out on that. so i feel like the short giraffe that will not pass on traits to the next generation if you know what i mean...

so i had my first physics exam today
i studied wayyyy too hard
i finished it in about 10 minutes
and i didn't know what to do
so i quadruple checked, quintuple checked my answers.

yesterday, i was listening to klsu
and i heard this song by the raconteurs
and i was like, oh jack white why have i not listened to you in a while?
he, my friend, is one of my musical idols.
he sure has a way with the guitar. bass. mandolin. and banjo. *sigh*
luckyyyy
i want a banjo so badly its crazy.
my fingers itch.
i probably need to take my guitar back out too
im just too scared to do anything anymore
in case it scratches my floor
sheesh.

{{"burning up" - ladytron}}

"grey cascades in foregin waves wash the day away..."

2009-06-20T14:34:00.000-07:00

i have my first physics exam on tuesday.
its not hard, but i just hope i finish it in time
20 questions in one hour!?!?!
like seriously, it takes me hours and hours to do the homework each week
oh god, speaking of which,
i better get started on next weeks homework.
and study for the exam.
bleh. =(

i got my first paycheck ever yesterday
it's amazing.
i have worked so hard, for so long
and i feel like numbers on a bank statement don't really mean anything to me
it doesn't mean half as much as my actual work.
i just like going to the lab
i think the feeling of belonging there is more than enough compensation.
but i'm not complaining. =)

i went to perkins rowe today.
i bought a cardigan/sweater thing.
there was so much amazing stuff on sale
except if you look at the washing instructions, it's all
hand wash only
dry clean only
no tumble dry
hang outside to dry
well, when i'm in college, i will have neither the time nor place to hand wash and hang up my clothes
so i've been seriously thinking about that when i buy clothes now.
there was this amazing top with the cutest pockets
but nope. i put it back on the rack. i'm actually really proud of myself.
i'm trying to not be an impulsive shopper.

okay. well. i have to go learn everything there is to know about vectors and then some.
yayyyyy.
(oh, sarcasm is no fun in typing. you can't hear my words dripping with sarcasm, or my cynicism-laden speech. )

{{"wash the day" - tv on the radio}}

"..."

2009-06-15T18:28:00.000-07:00

i can't believe i'm applying to colleges like, in the coming months.
i'm floating ideas for essays right now
trying to find a good stream through which the ideas flow freely yet cohesively
i almost want to write an essay about writing an essay
and shape it through my personal sense of humor
because well, really, it would be me.

{{"writer's block" - peter bjorn and john}}

"a working class hero is something to be..."

2009-06-14T18:40:00.000-07:00

i. love. my. job.
its perfect for me.
as soon as i get out of class, i walk across the street
and i walk up the stairs
{i know, i know, i'm allergic to exercise, but the elevator is NEVER there}
and i walk into the lab
put my bag down
put my very own lab coat on
{the number of pockets it has is RIDICULOUS!}
and put on some gloves
{the purple nitrile ones are awesome, because they don't have latex, so they don't stink. and they're a little sturdier}
and get started on my agarose gel.
i finish loading it by lunchtime,
and i take 45 minutes.
come back, and i wash the dishes/load the autoclave
as my gel finishes running.
then i take pictures.
it looks awesome under the uv light
the ethidium bromide stains it, so you can see it.
pretty gangster.
then i sort samples/wash dishes/make ant food for 1-2 hours
and go home.
idk if it sounds lame
but i love it.
we're testing the social form of the ant colonies
{i think its st gabriels ants}
to see if they're monogyne or polygyne.
so far, they've been monogyne
but if we actually did find a polygyne colony
it would be beyond ridiculous.
it would be ree-donk-u-lous.

----------------------------------------------------

today, i accidentally ate my dad's cooking
and if you knew what my dad's cooking was, you'd realize why i immediately started crying
it was terrible.
and it actually didn't taste that bad
it was my psychological hang-up
i could not bring myself to eat it.
it's just like,
i've been making fun of his food for YEARS
well, we all have.
{me, my mom, my sister}
more like his culinary experiments
and i was really hungry today
so i just ate whatever was on the stove
oh it was awful.
i cried and cried and cried.
and it made me realize how i feel when i cry
it brings me back to when i was about five years old
and i can feel my face scrunching up and my eyes reddening as the tears fall
there's this picture i found the other day of me crying
when i was like, 5.
i should scan it and post it here.
because it exemplifies that feeling.
and i don't really cry that much.
its just the most random things that set me off
for the most ridiculous reasons.
idk...

i've been getting used to my routine
and i mean, it takes all day
and most of the weekend.
{my physics homework takes 5 hours if i'm lucky}
and i'm okay with that.
but i feel bad, because i don't have as much time to hang out with my friends
i think i'm actually busier NOW than i am during the school year
and i don't know how to explain it properly to people
so it just sucks
when everyones like lets hang out lets hang out
and i just can't.
and they're like, sheesh whats wrong with you?
and i'm not rudely antisocial.
i make plans almost every weekend.
but i make them months in advance, so i can actually keep them
oh god its crazy
and i wish i could explain it
but i can't.
=(

{{"working class hero" - john lennon}}

"where do you see yourself in five minutes time?"

2009-06-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

i just took my sat today
for hopefully the last time
i'll know for sure in about 3 weeks.

i'm listening to blood:franz ferdinand right now
it's so good!
i really like their new takes on the songs from tonight.
i think i have an almost unhealthy obsession with those two albums
but its aight.
especially with the way i arranged my speakers now,
my subwoofer is like, RIGHT THERE
oh its awesome.
the music like, knocks you to the floor.
its so amazing.
you can feel the bass shaking your bones

i love my job.
i've already learned so much, and it's only been 3 days!

{{"feel the pressure" - franz ferdinand (dub version of "what she came for"}}